Everyone's favorite subject

Before I begin tackling this topic, let me preface by saying this:

I do not expect someone who is not a Christian to live as if they are a Christian. I cannot expect someone who does not have the same convictions or beliefs to live by the same set of standards that I hold for myself. It simply doesn't make any sense and I don't think it helps the cause of the gospel, to be quite honest. I know a lot of Christians who DO hold non-Christians to the same level of accountability as their Christian friends and I feel like all this does is distance Christians even further from people who need our love and need to see Christ through us.

All that said, this post is for Christians and it is about sex.

I am not squeamish about the subject of sex. I think it was made by God and I think it can be a wonderful, beautiful thing that should be enjoyed. While I do believe in modesty, I am not ashamed of my body or its part and I don't find any of them shameful or dirty. They are natural and handmade by God. Unfortunately, I have known many who do not feel the same way.

As I'm sure I have mentioned before, I attended a pretty conservative religious institution for my Bachelor's degree. Students are strongly encouraged to marry, and marry they do. And young. Some of them, in fact, get married just so they can have sex (that's a whole other blog!). But, I remember clearly girls getting married and then single girls inquiring about sex and what it's like. I heard things like, "I don't like it," and "it makes me feel dirty." This is horrible. No woman should feel dirty having sex with her own husband. There is something wrong about the way the church is teaching us about sex (or at least certain sects of the church). My cousin went to the same school and pursued the same degree I did, only three years behind me. One of the classes he took (which I also took) started a discussion one day about sexuality. The professor posed the question, "when is it right and good for a Christian to have sex?" My cousin, without flinching responded that sex was entirely appropriate when done within the confines of marriage. I think this is a pretty standard answer and you'd think a lot of college students raised in the church would answer this way. You'd think. Instead, my cousin spent the rest of the class period debating classmates who insisted you should only have sex within marriage when attempting to produce offspring. This is absolutely not supported by scripture (check out 1 Corintians 7:5!), but for my cousin's beliefs he was basically treated like a pervert for the rest of the day.

Christians, THIS IS RIDICULOUS. We should not be so terrified of something that God created to join a husband and wife together on a deep level and for us to enjoy physically. All that said, we need to be careful not to swing too far the other direction.

Now, let me state for the record. I will be 26 years old this month and I am still a virgin. This does not mean that I am perfect. Nor does it mean that I am without temptation or desire or that I have never failed in some way that I regret. I have failed, and I do regret. But to be totally honest with you, all of the temptations and failures have done nothing but strengthen my resolve and convictions about sexual purity and Christian sexuality. Taking a "walk on the wild side" so to speak, has only served to prove to me that going against what I believe scripture dictates as appropriate is SO NOT what I want for my life.

I believe sex outside of marriage is not what God desires of us. Period.

¹³ "Foods for the stomach and the stomach for foods," but God will do away with both of them. The body is not for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. ¹⁴ God raised up the Lord and will also raise us up by His power. ¹⁵ Do you not know that your bodies are the members of Christ? ^(D)So should I take the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? Absolutely not! ¹⁶ Do you not know that anyone joined to a prostitute is one body with her? For it says, The two will become one flesh. ¹⁷ But anyone joined to the Lord is one spirit with Him.

¹⁸ Flee from sexual immorality! "Every sin a person can commit is outside the body," but the person who is sexually immoral sins against his own body.

1 Corinthians 6:13-18 (Holman Christian Standard Bible)

This passage certainly makes sexual immorality seem like something God definitely doesn't approve of. Let me state, that I certainly believe in reading scripture within its context (both historical and otherwise), however, I don't think there's any way to "side step" this verse so to speak. I feel it's pretty clear: God does not approve of sexual immorality. The thing that I think is interesting is how it states that sexual sin is a sin committed against one's own body. I think a lot of Christians use the excuse of "I'm not hurting anyone," to justify having sex with their boyfriend/girlfriend. Ok, you're not hurting someone like you hurt someone when you lie, but you are certainly hurting yourself, and you are sinning against God. Some translations translate the words "sexual immorality" as "fornication." However, the immorality specifically mentioned in this passage is prostitution. This does not mean that fornication is not also considered immoral:

8 I say to the unmarried and to widows: It is good for them if they remain as I am. 9 But if they do not have self-control, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with desire.

1 Corinthians 7:8-9 (Holman Christian Standard Bible)

Better to marry than to burn with desire. Hm. I don't think he's talking about the burning desire to buy china, where a white dress or shove wedding cake in someone's mouth. I think it's sex, you guys.

Now, why do I bring all this up? Why bother with this post? A couple of reasons. First, I have posted quite a bit on here about marriage and about marriage being a symbol of Christ's love for the Church. I think sex is a really important part of that symbol. And as I said, we shouldn't go messing with a symbol that God has established as a way of teaching us about Himself. When God gives instruction on marriage, we should follow that instruction, just like ancient Israelites followed laws about sacrifice. It's a symbol that is pointing to something important, it shouldn't be tampered with.

Secondly, I read an article yesterday about a new book coming out. The book is called Unprotected Texts: The Bible's Surprising Contradictions about Sex and Desire. This book is written by Dr. Jennifer Wright Knust, a religion professor and ordained minister. I am all in favor of Christians being less uptight about sex and being more able to speak about it honestly. However, I am a little concerned with some of the things mentioned about this book. The main thing being her saying that the Bible contradicts itself. When Christians start saying and believing that the Bible contradicts itself, it gives us license to pick and choose what we want to accept or believe and leave the rest. It holds us accountable to basically nothing. Knust's main point (it seems) is that while the Bible makes commandments about sexual morality, the narrative portions about such people as David, Solomon, Ruth... seem to contradict these commandments. As my pastor often states, narrative portions of scripture are DESCRIPTIVE and not necessarily PRESCRIPTIVE. True, some of these stories tell us about people doing very noble things, things we should admire and aspire to. However, some of them are cautionary tales!! Some of them, I think, are there to say, "this is why this is a bad idea!" And some are merely a testament to the fact that God is a God of forgiveness and redemption and a God who chooses the most unlikely people to carry out His plan.

Do I think we should be legalistic and condemn all of those who may falter in the category of sexual purity? No. Of course not. But, we should certainly not throw out all of scripture and deny that we are given commandments by God. Commandments that are there to keep us out of trouble and give us a good quality of life. I read a lot of secular feminist blogs and over and over again sexual purity is insulted and tagged as another way to "confine" women and keep them from expressing their sexuality. For me, God defines my sexuality, and not anyone else. I am still a sexual being despite being abstinent and I feel complete control over my sexuality BECAUSE of my choice to remain abstinent. I feel FREEDOM in the laws God has given. I may not get to act on every desire or whim, but I feel security and am assured that God will care for me when I follow His ways. And THAT makes me feel FREE.

why it matters: part 1

God is my Father. Christ is my Brother. Christ is the Groom. The Church is the Bride.

How often do we say or hear these things in our churches? We all know it to be true, but what does this really mean to us? The longer I live, the more strongly I believe that God uses the relationships we have on this earth to reveal truths about Himself. Particularly our families.

The Evangelical Church is quick to champion the cause of the family, of marriage. It's on a quest (typically through the vehicle of the Republican party--but that's a whole other blog) to preserve what is held dear and is viewed as godly. I so often hear people harping on the family, family is so important, marriage is sacred, etc. But I never hear any reasons why other than, "God wants it that way/established it that way."

Now, don't get me wrong. I think family is extremely important. I think the sanctity of marriage is extremely important. But I think we've all forgotten why. How can Christians have an impact on the world if even we don't know the reasons behind what we do and what we believe?

In the Old Testament, God established the sacrificial system and gave the Israelites very specific instructions as to which sacrifices were acceptable and how these sacrifices were to be carried out. Now, as someone who lives post Christ's birth, death and resurrection, I understand that this system was set into place to point towards the coming of Christ and the sacrifice that He would make to make a way for me to have my sins forgiven. I think most Christians would be on board with this. However, I can't help but think that those who lived before Christ must have questioned some of the instructions God gave regarding sacrifices, but I can see how God didn't make these instructions just for the heck of it---it all pointed to Christ. A male lamb, without blemish-Christ without sin. Even John points out for us that much like the lamb was not to have his bones broken, Christ's legs were not broken during His crucifixion (a common practice to bring about death sooner):

32 So the soldiers came, and broke the legs of the first man and of the other who was crucified with Him; 33 but coming to Jesus, when they saw that He was already dead, they did not break His legs. (John 19:32-33)

36 For these things came to pass to fulfill the Scripture, "NOT A BONE OF HIM SHALL BE BROKEN." (John 19:36)

So, all along these seemingly strange instructions would all prove to be prophecies of their own, telling us, proving to us that Jesus was who He said.

Ok, so where am I going with this?

In the New Testament, over and over again, parallels and parables are made based around the likening of Christ's relationship to the Church to a husband's relationship to his wife. We are also given instruction as to what a marriage should be and what it should look like and the role each partner should play. I don't think this should be taken lightly. I think a godly marriage not only teaches us about our relationship to Christ, but also makes us look forward to Christ's return. Again, I say that I strongly believe that God uses the relationships we have on this earth to teach us things about His character. Furthermore, it comes as no surprise to me that the two ways God chooses to describe Himself (Father, Groom) are the two most broken down relationships in our society today (fatherhood, marriage). This is no mistake. This is a cleverly devised attack. It makes us unable to understand God the way we should, and keeps us from demonstrating to ourselves and other's what Christ's love really looks like.

So, what does this have to do with Christian Feminism? Good question. As a child, I grew up in a Conservative Southern Baptist environment and went on to a Conservative Southern Baptist University. In this upbringing and education, I was taught things like women must submit to men, men are the head of the church and the household, women can't be ministers or have any sort of spiritual authority over a man. In college I was even pressured again and again to get married as soon as possible and one of the speakers brought to our University even told us that good Christians should homeschool their children. The next day a friend of mine dropped out of the pre-med program she was in because a "good Christian mother" can't be a doctor AND homeschool her children. Give me a break.

The church has worked hard and has perhaps played the biggest part in establishing our society's rigid gender roles. Is this what scripture really intended? Is this how we want to portray Our Christ? A man who rules with an iron fist, has no consideration for the gifts His bride possesses or the desires she has in her heart? True, the scripture instructs women to "submit" to their husbands... but only after it gives the same instruction to all Christians to all submit to one another, putting other's needs ahead of their own, and before it calls men to love their wives so much that they would sacrifice anything (including their lives) for her. Now, I can recall hearing an awful lot about wives submitting to and obeying their husbands growing up... but I remember very little about husbands being instructed from the pulpit to serve their wives, even if it means their earthly demise. This is also not what I saw in many of the marriages around me. Rather, I saw a man who married a woman who bore him children and then dedicated her life to raising them, keeping his home and making it possible for him to pursue his dreams while totally abandoning her own, and often feeling like she had no way or no right to pursue them. And we wonder why more than 50% of Christian marriages end in divorce. We have added so many things onto the instruction for marriage that never actually exist in scripture. That's dangerous. Thank God among all of these examples, I had the example of my father, who left his job as a pastor and moved to a new state and worked as a waiter to allow my mother to pursue her dreams in publishing. My mom had put in her time as a stay-at-home mom and had worked years to support him and his dreams. She had an opportunity to pursue hers and my dad simply said, "you've sacrificed so much for me, now I will sacrifice for you." As an adult, looking back, I consider this to be the greatest thing my dad ever did. His pride took a major hit going from well-respected pastor to waiter. But he loved my mother. Of all the mistakes he made both as father and husband... he showed me that a man can put his wife first, even if it's hard for a little while. By the way, they've been married over 30 years and they have their problems, but their love is quite evident as well.

The challenge I would like to offer to the reader (whomever you are) would be to stop thinking of marriage in terms of who's in charge, who makes more money, who raises the kids, who washes the dishes, this is my job, that's your job and start thinking of it in terms of how each partner loves the other and what they are willing to do to remain true to that love and make life better for the other person.

A marriage must be a union of equals. If one partner is always striving to assert his (or her) power and authority over the other, someone is always going to be unhappy. Christ may be my leader, I am devoted to Him and I follow Him, but He would never ask me to be something other than what He created me to be, He would never want to see me live my life in a way that does not put the gifts HE GAVE ME into full use, nor would He ever call me to do something that would be harmful to my psyche or spirit. A man can lead his family while still respecting the wishes, dreams, giftings, opinions and well-being of his wife. And a wife can follow a Christ-following man only when he understands that being a leader does not make him greater or more important than those who follow him, but ultimately makes him a servant to them. The notion that one role is greater than the other, or is an excuse for one to become power hungry has led to the destruction of many a marriage, many a church and many other institutions both religious and secular.

I am 25 years old. I am not married, nor have I ever been. Recently, while talking to a married friend of mine about relationships she asked me the question, "Of all the male friends that you have, are their any of them that see you as an equal, as a true peer?" I had never thought about this question before and I stopped to think and realized that of all of the men I know... there were few, maybe even only one or two that I could say really saw me this way, without question or doubt. To be honest, as a woman who works with all men and who is friends dominantly with males... even among colleagues and friends I often feel that my opinion about something is worth less or less reliable because of my gender. I often feel that sort of "pat-on-the-head-isn't-that-cute-she-has-an-opinion" attitude. It's quite subtle, but it's there and I feel it. I have a great desire to be married, but I have no desire to join my life with a man who sees me this way. It's unfortunate that in a group of people who believe we are all made in God's image and we are all fearfully and wonderfully made to further a purpose God has chosen for us that there would still be this sentiment floating in the air like a poison. No wonder marriages are falling apart all over the place.

This matters. Equality matters. If we want to love each other as brothers and sisters in Christ and as husbands and wives in such a way that demonstrates to the world the crazy, amazing, life-changing love that Christ has for us we have to stop thinking of ourselves in terms of labels, stereotypes, assumptions and rigid roles and start thinking of ourselves as equals, selfless partners and mutual servants.

to be continued...

the F word:please don't call it "crap"

I am a Christian. I am a feminist.

I realize this is a bit too shocking or confusing for some of you out there to wrap your head around. People often wonder, "how can that be? you can't be both. How can you be a feminist? How is that possbile?" In fact, I have even been told by a certain female in my life that I should quit talking about "all that feminist crap" because it scares off boys. It's amazing how wrapped up in that statement is precisely the reason why I am a feminist. "oh dear, don't be who God made you to be... be who men WANT you to be."

no, thanks.

so, what is feminism exactly? so glad you asked.

fem⋅i⋅nism-the doctrine advocating social, political, and all other rights of women equal to those of men.

Interesting. i don't see any of the following words: man-hating, lesbianism,

abortion, bitter old maid and no, not even the word crap.

So, either the dictionary has been misinformed about what feminism actually is or

we have come to have a gross misunderstanding of what the movement is and

why the movement was started. And we certainly have no understanding of why the

movement is still entirely relevant and necessary today.

A feminist, no matter who she is or what she may believe, starts with the concept of equality.

You know, that crazy notion that men and women are actually equal beings who deserve

equal treatment, equal pay, equal rights, equal opportunities and that one is not actually

dominant or subordinate to the other. Where the feminist chooses to go with that and what

assumptions she chooses to make or causes she chooses to champion based on that are

entirely her own prerogative and should not be seen, necessarily, as crucial to the feminist

doctrine. There are many kinds of feminists out there and we all believe many different

things. That doesn't make any of us more or less of a feminist.

In that way, it's kind of similar to Christianity. I am a Christian. I follow Christ. I believe in

baptism by full water submersion. Another Christian may believe in sprinkling. Here we are,

both Christians, believing different things. Both believing it is our Christianity that brings us

our own understanding of baptism and yet we do not agree. Is one of us less Christian than

the other? No. (Although, I'm sure there are plenty who would argue yes... which I suppose,

in a way, further proves the point I am making).

Many people have told me that I should stop referring to myself as a feminist because of

what that makes people assume about me. To these people I say, "ok, then, stop calling

yourself a Christian, because people will assume you are a right-wing Republican, hell-bent

on the destruction of anyone who does not assimilate to your culture and beliefs. you really

should call yourself something else." In other words, I am not interested in inventing a term

to call myself that people have absolutely no reference for, for the sake of people feeling a

little more comfortable around me. Instead, I would like for people (mostly those in the

Christian church) to come to have a better understanding of feminism and how it relates

to our culture, our world and our church today.

Some of my friends say, "what are you talking about? women can i have jobs and stuff.

we're totally equals in our society. hello?" well, to you I say, "women still make less money

for the same job. politics, economics and religion are still entirely male-dominated. the media

still force-feeds us rigid gender-roles and stereotypes every day. thousands of women around

the world are forced into prostitution. women are forced to undergo painful female

circumcision and are threatened with death if they refuse. women are stoned for going out

without a male escort, etc, etc, etc. Hello? HELLO? what world do YOU live in?"

As a Christian, Christ has called me to defend those who cannot defend themselves, to seek

justice for those who have done wrong or have had wrong done to them. This is pretty clear

in the gospel. It also seems pretty clear to me that women in America and around the world

fit the description of those needing justice and needing someone to speak for them, to say

that women were also made in God's image and have a role in His perfect plan. So to you

feminist-hating Christians out there I say to you, "how can you

NOT be a feminist? How is THAT possible?"